I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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