I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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