I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
