Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
