nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
