I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
