i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
