It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
