An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
