I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
