Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
