U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
