I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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