I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
