Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
