Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
