Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
