Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you inspire me to be a worse person
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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