Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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