his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
