Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Randomize
