mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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