Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
