His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
