We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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