I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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