I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
