I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
