Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
