I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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