Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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