I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
