Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
