I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
