I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
