oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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