Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
