like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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