I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
People with herpes should wear stickers.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
