There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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