I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
