I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
