I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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