Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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