I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
