im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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