what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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