I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
