My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
