I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
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