so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You're like the curious george of whores
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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