Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We got so high we made milksteak
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
